Saturday, January 7, 2012

Acceptance

Tonight I learned that watching Boys Don't Cry on Netflix and knitting this hat in black glittery mohair for my friend, Tina, are not activities I should be attempting simultaneously. The movie is so intense that I would randomly lose count of my stitches and have to go back through to figure out where I was and then I'd lose track of that count. This is strange for me because usually I need my knitting to get through any situation where I am a passive participant. Very few movies can screw up my knitting. The end of this knitting pattern, where all the decreases are, requires some close attention, but it's not like I've got complicated cables to pay attention to here.

Anyway, I am almost done with the hat and I can't decide if I'd rather finish the hat or finish the movie first. The movie is so intense and so sad when you watch the whole thing knowing the fate of the lead character, Brandon Teena. Without that knowledge, it's just a sweet and heartbreaking story of a lesbian attempting to live the normal life of a teen boy in the midwest. It is certainly a different flavor from Glee, which I've been watching nearly every night for the past month. The theme here is "acceptance".

Every other Wednesday evening I attend a support group for bisexual women in Berkeley. The common theme of conversation there is also acceptance. It's something I've always wanted, how 'bout you? We also talk a lot about the choices we can make about how to express our bisexuality. We can choose a monogamous partner of either gender or we can open ourselves up to the idea of having one of each or maybe even more than one of any gender (polyamory). The group has women in it who make many different choices at any given point in their lives and we also talk about acceptance of these forms of expression. It's interesting to hear about each person's struggle with this and relate it to different points in my own life.

Well, at the last meeting some of the women told me about Ships in the Night going on tonight and I thought "Well, I can't dance anymore but I'd love to watch others dance!" I was hoping they'd contact me about going together as I am a big chicken (read: socially awkward and introverted) and don't go to clubs by myself. So, instead of going out to watch other people dance tonight, I tried to watch Boys Don't Cry while knitting a glittery mohair hat for my glammy friend.

I am sad that I am not out with a group of women at a gay dance club, honestly. But I am also exhausted and may have spent the entire evening feeling sad that I can't dance any more. It's been a quiet day and Jamie has been sick in bed most of the day so I've been trying to keep myself busy getting some work done. I'm finding some acceptance just for how my day is going differently than I'd planned and hoped for.

My writing is probably a bit jumpy tonight, but I haven't blogged in quite a while and I really need more practice. This post contains many starting points for entire (and much more interesting) blog topics that I will hopefully get into at a later date. I am also kind of nervous about being entirely honest about my sexual orientation in public like this because I haven't ever been this openly honest about it. I have been mostly out as bi for nearly 20 years, but not everywhere. Much of my family and many recent acquaintances have been subject to me actively trying to keep this from them. Since the internet keeps nothing secret, I am a bit nervous. (How's that for those of you out there who feel like I am too 'in your face' about being who I am!)

But, I titled this blog post "Acceptance" in hopes that I would also find this in you, my readers.

4 comments:

  1. Courageous post Rhi; you have my full acceptance! Sounds like a good group you've got in Berkeley. I find that bisexuality is incredibly misunderstood and not taken seriously by people of both hetero and homo sexual identities. Do you find this as well?

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  2. I can remember when you still weren't certain about your sexual orientation, or maybe just weren't yet comfortable with it. For a while there it seemed like you changed once or twice a week, I remember joking that we could just assume every Friday night was a coming-out party for you. Seems like a very long time ago now.

    I'm really looking forward to reading those future topics.

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  3. Goldynkat: It is incredibly misunderstood in many circles and I am having a really good time in this group getting a chance to talk about it!

    Leo: You knew me way back when... lol... Yeah, I had a very love/hate relationship with my sexuality back then. I still struggle with it but not nearly so much as I did 15 years ago. I should confess that part of why I loved you so much is that you loved me despite my lack of commitment to pretty much anything. :)

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