Thursday, January 13, 2011

Winter Breaks My Heart

I have been losing hope out here. I'm lonely, it's cold, things go wrong constantly and the kids whine and complain. Some days I just want to hide in my bed and play solitaire all day. I was ready to move. I got so down that anywhere seemed like a good idea. However, I was getting totally unrealistic. Where am I going to go that is better than here when I live on an income of less than $1000/ month?? Who am I kidding? I live in California. Where could I go where my kids would have this much room to play? Where would we go that we could keep 5 chickens, 3 cats and a rabbit? Where could we go that I would have time to be with my kids, be self-employed, grow my own food and live by my personal ideals? And if I did manage to find some place like this, how was I going to move all of this that I have built here? Where else could I live that would allow me to pay off my student loans, save up some money for my future and be able to consider affording fixing my car, much less looking into getting a new (to me) one?

So I was completely set in my head on the failure of this arrangement when I went to talk with Shannon and Morpheus. They helped me put a lot of this into perspective and reassured me that this IS the hardest part of living out there. Winter IS lonely, cold and discouraging. Nobody is visiting us... however, there are other people living out here. They reminded me of all of the resources that I haven't yet taken advantage of. They suggested I start some sort of social meeting group like a Stitch & Bitch or something at the Junction (which is a bar, yet also a sort of community center out here). We made a list of my "problems" so that we could resolve what we could of them. That really helps, to have someone else state your issues and think about how they can be resolved. Talking with them, I also realized that my frustrations are compounded by the emotional issues I am dealing with in going through a separation and divorce. The kids are dealing with this too, emotional reactions to so much change in their lives. It's going to happen wherever we live.

After talking with my amazing friends and 'landlords' about my frustrations, I listened to a Survival Podcast interview of Margery Wildcraft about building community. This just put the final wrapping on what they were saying about connecting with other people out here. So far I have only really had much contact with one neighbor, because I end up making so many business transactions with him (I bought the 5th wheel from him) and, thus, end up talking to him a lot. I need to reach out, go to the Junction, and start really becoming a part of the community around here. There are other families with kids, but I will never meet them if I stay in my trailer/house all day.

Well, then I had a good talk with the above-mentioned neighbor. He was kind of cranky with me about something so I went over to talk to him about it. In the course of discussing the issue, we really did have a great conversation that ignited many new ideas and some hope for my future out here and in general. He's no longer cranky with me, so far as I can tell, but he has some serious expectations of me that I would be a fool to not live up to. Mostly I am being very vague about some good business ideas and plans. So, I headed home after this and felt this renewed surge of hope. I know that my kids will not join me in this until they see a noticeable fix of that which irks them, but I think we can get there. As a mom I have to trust my own gut and keep going even if the kids resist and/or complain.

There are issues I still don't know how to fix. But, I can work on solutions and I am not alone out here. I have friends who are crazier than I am and willing to tackle just about anything. I moved out here to live my life from my heart, as I have always tried to do. Part of living that way has always meant that falter and failure are crushing. My heart breaks. Living your passions is like a romantic relationship with yourself and we do not want to break hearts or have our hearts be broken. But it is only when we live past that fear that we are able to experience the highest love.

This new hope is a great relief. Moving is hard work and the thought was holding me back from making infrastructure improvements and planning out getting the dog I know I should have out here. It is not the choice that many of you reading this would make and you may not understand me or what motivates me, but that is why I am living my life and you are living yours. And now my love of my life must make it through the rest of this cold, wet and difficult winter...

How many darkest moments and traps
Still lay ahead of us
How many final frontiers
We gonna mount
And maybe no victory laps
But if you stepped on path of sacred art
and stuck it out through thick and thin
God knows you become one
With undestructable
This is my life and freedom is my profession
This is my mission throughout all flight duration
There is a core and it's hardcore
All is hardcore when made with love
Love is a voice of a savage soul
This savage love is

-Gogol Bordello

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